Why Batman Is Awesome #10: "Alfred, I'm in pursuit of some slimeballs and I seem to be on fire."

Batman is awesome.

Like I said before, Batman doesn't have to be kicking ass and taking names to be awesome. He can talk, and he can escape, or... he could do something else entirely.

During the first issue of Final Crisis, J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, was viciously murdered by the Society [of Super Villains], led by the villaious Libra. In Final Crisis: Requiem the entire murder was expanded on (yay...) and the psychic Martian Manhunter sent a message to all his closest friends that relayed his memories into their heads. What followed is Batman's reaction to the "thought e-mail":

OK, yes, that's ultimate awesome. "After I bring them in." How brilliant is that? His grim determination in the face of all this madness-- this psychic fire. That's fantastic, that's Batman to a tee. He's determined, he's unstoppable, he's a monster of law enforcement. Right, later, the Justice League and all of J'onn's friends travel to Mars to put him to rest, and they say their goodbyes and the ones closest to him stay behind.

The last to leave? Batman. Why?

Because he's damn sentimental, and he can't leave his friend without giving him one last Choco-- the Manhunter's favourite snack. So not only is he a justice machine... he's the best friend you could ever have, and will stop at nothing for you. Batman is awesome.

Batman!!

Why Batman Is Awesome #9: "Face reality, Harleen-- Joker had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham."

Batman is awesome.

Batman always looks brilliant because he's the best at what he does. And what that is exactly, is beating the bad guys. We all know the set-ups by now, the death-traps, the riddles, the murder mysteries that Bruce Wayne can solve with one hand tied behind his back or whatever the handicap of the week is.

We've seen him buried alive, sent hurtling through time, murdered by a god. And he's brilliant and he escapes, because Batman is indeed awesome. But sometimes the odds are against him, and he's up against the wall, and he fails, or he struggles or he falters, and even then... he'll prevail. Because he's Batman.

Harley Quinn debuted in the Batman animated series from the 1990s, surely the greatest animation ever put on the small screen-- so good it spawned sequel series, films, and blazed the trail for Superman and Justice League to get there too. I've said it once, and I'll say it again-- Kevin Conroy is my Batman. You can keep Christian Bale, he's nothing compared to this guy. Anyway, Harely debuted on this show, and her crowning moment was the episode called "Mad Love", which was then adapted into a comic book.

In which, Batman is awesome.

Right, the lowdown-- Harley has Batman in the ultimate death-trap. He's tied up nice and tight, and there's a tank of piranhas below. Harley approached the Joker, the love of her life, with this plan before, but he dismissed it because it wasn't his idea, so instead, she decided to act on it by her lonesome, to remove the one distraction from their lives-- Batman.

So Batman doesn't have his utility belt. Any of his gadgets. He's groggy from being upside down for so long. There are drugs in his system. He's screwed. But you know what he does have going for him?

His mouth. She begins spouting off about how this will bring Joker and her together, and he just... well, see for yourself.

He smiles.

Batman is so awesome he takes Harley apart with words. He doesn't need to punch or kick her, he knows that won't work with her. Besides, he can't-- he's physically unable to. But he can talk like all hell, and he can tell it like it is.

So Harley calls the Joker, and the Joker is, obviously, furious. He storms over, punches Harley out of a window, and then frees Batman, apologetically. Then, he decides, what the Hell, he'll finish the job. But Batman is out of reach of the fish tank, he's got his bearings back, and the two brawl-- until Commissioner Gordon arrives and the Joker makes his escape, but...

(Batman got behind Joker on a moving train. Yeah, he's awesome.)

So Batman continues his verbal surgery on his enemies. And it's a beaut.

Boom. Drop the bomb. Batman really was screwed this time around, and his arch-enemy was the one to save him. The Joker is at his best in the animated show, I think. They balance homicidal lunatic and trickster perfectly, and he's never been at his best like this in the comics. In fact, whenever I read the Joker, I hear his dialogue as read by Mark Hamill, my favourite Joker, just as I read Batman's dialogue as Conroy. They're the epitome for me. The guys behind the show distilled all that was great about every character-- especially Batman-- and did beautiful things. I still miss that show. Anyway, I think I've proven my point once again: Batman is awesome.

Batman!!

Why Batman Is Awesome #8: "Sure I'm scaring people."

Why Batman Is Awesome #7: "Chok. Kokk."

Goodnight.

Why Batman Is Awesome #6: "You're just bone and meat-- like all the rest."

Why Batman Is Awesome #5: "Deep down, Clark's essentially a nice person... and deep down, I'm not."

Why Batman Is Awesome #4: "Ready when you are."

Batman is awesome.

Last time around I mentioned how I was just using Grant Morrison's Justice League of America work as an example of how Batman is awesome, and that's all well and good for the reasons I mentioned, but there is one moment, in the sequence I'm about to share, that demonstrates why that's such common sense. After this I'll get to some other creators' work, and we'll see what you think to that-- I'll probably avoid Frank Miller, Alan Moore, all the obvious awesome moments, and go for something a little down key-- Greg Rucka, perhaps, or even better, Ed Brubaker! I know I have a Gail Simone moment that needs to be seen to be believed.

Anyway.

To recap: The Justice League have been replaced by a team calling themselves the Hyper Clan. They came from outer space with their brilliant powers and endearing optimism, and the public loved them. The public loved them a bit too much, and when they announced that they were executing Superman for crimes against humanity, the public didn't... even... blink.

So yeah, Hyper Clan = Evil. Go figure. But how evil? Only one man knows.

Batman.

Just one man. So they sent one of the Hyper Clan to take him down. Let me share with you the before of the above image.

That moment didn't last long, did it?

Batman, who, after being blown out of the sky by one of the Hyper Clan, is presumed dead. They didn't check the fiery wreckage of his Batplane (how awesome a name is that?) and that reaffirmed Bruce's suspicions. He didn't die. Of course he didn't die, he's Batman, and he infiltrated the Hyper Clan's HQ when presumed dead and he began to piece it all together.

One race in the DCU are terrified of fire. That race? Martians. With the abilities of Superman, plus telepathy, they're nearly unstoppable a force, and they had seduced the population of the Earth with their mass mind control ability and taken the JLA down one-by-one. So, what's Batman to do? He may be awesome, but he's not able to take down four Superman-level threats, is he?

Yours, Batman. Your luck has run out. Oh, but wait.... what was the sole weakness of the martians, again? Batman, do you have the answer?

What's Batman to do. Oh, yeah...

To recap again. Superman is down. Wonder Woman is down. Green Lantern defeated. Martian Manhunter off the board (understandably so). Aquaman gone. The Flash down. Who is the only one left standing?

Batman. And the next words out of his mouth?

You can feel the smile eminating off the page. Batman has won already. These guys are terrified of fire, but they still have their powers. "Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot", and a criminal is a criminal, even if they're from another world. So using the primal fear of fire, and well aware that these guys are still dangerous, Batman takes them on. And the aftermath?

Yeah, Green Lantern, stow your sarcasm. Also, side note? Three minutes and fifteen seconds. Beat that, bitches. And you know what? That first martian he took down, the one he hung up as a warning and an object of fear for the others? I like to think he took him down without fire. Because he's Batman, and there was no evidence as such. He took down a martian, with all the superior abilities that entails, without any hint of fire. He just scared them to shit. Batman is awesome.

Batman!!

Why Batman Is Awesome #3: "Days, months, years, spent memorising the finite ways there are to hurt and break a man. Preparing for all of them."

Batman is awesome.

I know I've been using Grant Morrison's most recent run on the character to showcase how awesome he is, but Morrison can get to the root of who Batman is and show how brilliant he can be without undermining those around him. Batman had at least one crowning moment of awesome in every arc-- perhaps issue-- of Morrison's Justice League of America run, and so he knows what he's doing.

I'll get to JLA later.

Anyway, in the run up to Final Crisis and the god-bullet incident, and after the poison-cup debacle, Batman was dismantled by the Black Glove, a group of very rich, very influential individuals that dismantled Bruce Wayne, took away his life, his family of crime-fighting side kicks and butler, and then just... shat on his identity. Of course, Batman was ready for this-- he was ready for the Dark Master, after all, and he created a secondary Batman personality to run "in case of emergency". More on that later, of course.

But in the final issue of "Batman RIP", the Black Glove have won. They've buried Batman alive. So, of course, he's fucked, isn't he? He can't possibly escape! The Black Glove have him buried in the Arkham Asylum grounds, they've dressed him in his best cape, and in a while, when his brain is so oxygen deprived he becomes insane, they said they'd disfigure him to resemble the Joker.

Ho ho, these guys are so awesome, they're so bad ass, Batman doesn't stand a chance.

Oh, wait.

Batman thinks of everything. Of course he does. And what does he think of being buried alive?

He's so fucking unimpressed. Because he's Batman, he's been ready for this for years. Buried alive? Year One, child's play. Robin could get out of being buried alive. And in a straitjacket? As per my previous post-- Batman can escape anything. He can escape the Omega Sanction, so why should a casket even impede him?

I'm going to let Batman's internal narration do the rest of the talking for a moment. I can't cut this down without ruining the bad ass flow of how Batman's mind works.

He's done the math. He knows everything about the situation. He knows every dimension of the death trap he's been placed in-- he's fucking Batman-- he's been in every death trap conceivable! Even the inconceivable is nothing to him because his archenemy is the Joker! A guy who evolves every few years into the scariest bastard you could possibly imagine! You can't out him in a box because he'll out think you and turn the tables. He's Batman. Anyway...

At the end of his rope, beaten and battered and brainwashed-- no. You can't stop Batman. He's the greatest hero there will be, or ever was. You can pull the Superman card, but he's got all these powers handed to him on a plate. The Flash has his super speed, Green Lantern his power ring. Heck, Wonder Woman is the princess of a race of Amazons living on an invisible island in Greece. Superman hasn't worked for his powers, but Batman, who is the only truly human on a team of veritable gods, is the greatest. Batman is awesome.

Batman!!

Why Batman Is Awesome #2: "I wanted to taste the flavor of death. I wanted to know that I had finally experienced every eventuality."

Batman is awesome.

Batman prepares himself for every eventuality, and if he can't-- well, that's impossible, he's Batman.

Bruce Wayne took a year out from being Batman to become better. To get away from his grim and gritty demons and emerge a more effective crime fighter. That involved travelling the world, having his fears cut away from him by-- well, I'll show you later maybe. But what he did was, he confronted death. Death. And then he was bad-ass-er.

So obviously, after the "Thogal" ritual, Bruce had some questions. Leading to a conversation with a monk who had some very sinister overtones going for him.

Holy shit! Batman's been poisoned! What's the Caped Crusader to do?!

Oh, wait.

Batman is so awesome that, as force of habit, whenever he dines with someone he switches cups because he's that damn effective. Even off-guard he's not meaning he's the greatest crime fighter ever. That's the point of this. Even when he's not Batman, he's Batman, and you can never trap him.

Right, so, the point: You can never stop Batman. You can leave the country (as in The Dark Knight) and he'll kidnap you right out of your own office tower. You can send him hurtling into the past and he'll fight and punch and think his way to the present, because he's the World's Greatest Detective (more on that later). Batman is awesome.

Batman!!

Why Batman Is Awesome #1: "Radion. Toxic to your kind. I sealed the bullet that killed Orion in my belt for inspection. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

Batman is awesome.

No matter what. No matter you throw at him, he's awesome. Break his back and he returns a year later and beats you and yours to shit. Break his sanity and he reveals that he was expecting it and created a back-up personality capable of kicking your ass straight back to Arkham. Bury him alive... and, well, I'll show you later.

Batman, Bruce Wayne I mean, is currently lost in the past, due to the Forth World dark god Darkseid's Omega Sanction, a sort of teleportation effect that makes the target live through progressively worse lives until their souls are ground to dust.

What Batman did was, he let go of all his baggage about guns, about his agonisingly difficult past, and to save the world he shot the dark god of evil in the shoulder-- he shot to wound-- with a bullet forged from radioactive isotope known as Radion, the one thing that can kill a "New God". He shot a god in the shoulder and saved the universe from the dread shadow that loomed over humanity.

Batman never uses guns. But in this moment, because he knew that he had no other choice, he loaded a god-killing bullet into a god-killing gun and he shot a god. He shot a god.

A point to make: Darkseid was the one who made the bullet. He made the bullet to kill his son, Orion, the dog of war, because of prophecies that announced that the son shall kill the father, and the only way to take him down was to build a bullet-- and shoot it backwards through time. The same bullet that killed Orion helped to kill Darkseid.

And Darkseid, because he's a savvy fucker, sent Batman through all kinds of Hell with his Omega Sanction. He sent Batman into a place where there was no escape. No way to get help. Except he's Batman, mother fucker, and there's always a way when Bruce Wayne is involved.

Regardless, Batman's last word before this went down?

GOTCHA.

So this is how Batman ended up.

Ouch.

Except! Except that's not him and it's actually an evil clone created by Darkseid's minions but more on that later when Dick Grayson, the current Batman, attempts to resurrect his fallen mentor in a Lazarus Pit but discovers Darkseid's evil machinations!

No, this is where Batman ended up.

He's in your past. And he's painting on your walls-- message to the future, mother fuckers!

And where's Bruce Wayne, the Batman, now?

He's in Caveman times, mother fucker, and he's about to beat y'all to shit.

Batman!!